“Excerpt From The Book of Lemminations”

Background:  On March 23, 2007, I was in a whimsical mood and wrote A Thing.  It was called “Excerpt From The Book of Lemminations” and it was very short, and cute, and silly and got mistaken for a lesser known tidbit from Sir Terry Pratchett (which I was unbelievably proud of, because Sir Terry was amazeballs, and it is absurdly happy-making to have my words mistaken for his) and HOLY FUCK DOES IT READ HORRIFICALLY DIFFERENTLY IN 2020, which is why I hadn’t wanted to share it again, but I’m tired and cranky and the hell with it. 

For Reasons, I’m skipping Early Patron Access on this one, and going straight to unlocked.  So, without further ado, the oft referenced, but not seen in many a year, “Excerpt From the Book of Lemminations”…

                                                                     * * * * * * * *

“…and Lo! it SHALL come to Pass at the End of Days that Holy Squiknor (holy be His name), Lord of the Lemmings, King of the Meek! Ruler of the Slow of Wit! SHALL come at last unto His Reign! And there SHALL be peace at last and much feasting and song, and Sacrificing! The Faithful by the thousands will Fling themselves from the High Places for His Honour and His Glory! And it Will be glorious, and Squiknor (holy be His name) SHALL be Pleased.

Thus have I seen, and Know my Visions to be Truth for I am the Love Lemming, Squiknor’s (holy be His name) own chosen Prophet!

Lemminations 2:16

*found on badly damaged scrolls during an archeological dig of the great Lemming city, Lemnalia, along with various pieces of debris; broken pottery, bent and tarnished cutlery, scraps of material which we assume to be garments, the usual flotsam left behind. It is believed that the Lemnalians commited mass suicide in some archaic ceremony to appease their god, Squiknor, at the time of the Great Drought of 1278. Unfortunately for the Lemnalians, this was a horribly ill-timed plan, as the Drought had actually ended the year before.

(Originally posted on Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/riversdaughter.)

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